It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Friday, April 29, 2005
withers away @ 11:26 am

the 2 beautiful pieces we played..
Granada
Granada, I'm falling under your spell,
And if you could speak, what a fascinating tale you would tell.
Of an age the world has long forgotten,
Of an age that weaves a silent magic in Granada today.
The dawn in the sky greets the day with a sigh for Granada.
For she can remember the splendor that once was Granada.
It still can be found in the hills all around as I wander along,
Entranced by the beauty before me,
Entranced by a land full of flowers and song.
When day is done and the sun touch the sea in Granada,
I envy the blush of the snow-clad Tierra Novada,
Soon it will welcome the stars
While a thousand guitars play a soft Carbinera.
Then moonlit Granada will live again,
The glory of yesterday, romantic and gay.
And soon it will welcome the stars
While a thousand guitars play a soft Carbinera.
Then moonlit Granada will live again,
The glory of yesterday, romantic, gay Granada.

Blackbird
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

It's something Mystical

Thursday, April 28, 2005
withers away @ 10:59 pm

GOLD
this was our aim. this was wad we got. frm nothing to something. this rox.
reached sch late.. well but it was all to a good start coz we were all refreshed.. and it didnt take us too long to warm up.. after using the LT till 11+ we went to CA4. which was damn squeezy.. guitar 1s had to sit on the floor.. haha but we didnt mind.. went for lunch.. den change n makeup.. tie ribbon to our hair.. ms ng bought stickers for our nails.. haha.. n helped us paste them.. den we prac for a while more.. and that was when we got really really high.. coz we sounded gd.. (i mean hw can we nt sound gd in an enclosed place like the container?!?) den someone everyone started going mad and scream and wad-not.. oh yah n we sang bdae song for weishun.. coz its his bdae today.. haha.. everyone's morale was damn high.. sky high i would say.. n we went off for the bus..
it was squeezy.. sanjay sat beside me.. haha our blackbird! its not really racism lah.. but just a joke.. and he doesnt mind i guess.. was carrying dingxiao's bag for her since she was looking after the double bass.. slept with the really cute cow on her bag haha.. while the ppl were still v high n going mad.. mingxian was videotaping ppl.. haha..
reached SCH.. got rather scared.. coz seeing other grps mah.. den like they v pro lidat.. their guitars all so good.. even their cases.. my gosh.. other schs got more money lah.. bleah.. den we were all quite scared.. but still v high.. n morale still up there.. haha.. after we went into tuning rm we were rather panicky i think.. but we sorta collected ourselves.. went to backstage n waited.. reminded each other abt the stuff to take note, strongly believing that we can all make it.. that was why we pulled through i think..
everything was so fast after we went on stage.. me n bea were the first to go up.. my fingers went numb with cold.. but got quickly warmed up as i played.. we enjoyed wad we played.. i could feel it.. we were together.. even when we rushed a bit here and there we were still together.. i guess this is v impt.. we were all working towards the same thing..
when we finished i nearly couldnt walk down the stairs properly.. i was just so excited!!! hahaha.. after we all went out we were like screaming and talking alot.. we were all still damn high and excited loh.. just couldnt quieten down..
later went inside to listen to the rest of the ensembles.. den came waiting.. waiting for the results.. when the annoucer came all of us sat up and looked at her so intently.. haha.. there were so little golds.. even the pro jcs had gold and not gold with honours.. got seriously scared.. and nervous.. den mj got gold.. they cheer like hell... duh.. but all i was thinking is for them to shuddup coz the next jc is us.. me mb and bea were holding each other's hands damn tightly..
"national junior college. *pause* gold." my god we went mad.. scream like hell.. i was laughing and crying at the same time.. well i expected myself to do that since that's wad happened while i was in ny choir.. msged alot of ppl.. all the hard work.. it paid off..
after we were out of the hall, took lots of photos and stuff.. cheered.. even tried to sing sch song haha.. see how high we were.. exco, guitar 1s, mb, bea, ms ng n mr koh went back to nj.. me mb and bea were going mad on the bus.. sat in all sorts of weird positions with our legs high up on the backs of the seats.. sang oldies.. oh wadeva.. it was fun and we were still v high..
went out for dinner at ps.. wanted to get alcohol so went down to carrefour.. couldnt decide on wad to drink and ended up drinking... jolly shandy.. haha wad the.. it was quite nice lah.. but not enuf alcohol sia.. haha..
ms ng n mr koh is going to treat the grp to lunch.. prob on mon.. edeline's bdae!! haha.. i still think that we really rox man.. we've made it.. with so little experience and so many problems.. im so proud of u guys.. :D

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, April 27, 2005
withers away @ 10:13 pm

we wanted to end today's prac early.. well i suppose we did.. coz after keeka left at 6 we didnt play the guitar anymore, save those guitar 1s plus mr koh who was entertaining us with their playing and singing.. mr koh brought in a stack of papers, asked us to take one each and write our name on the it.. like orientation, we passed the papers around and wrote stuff to each other.. that really took quite a well but it was really informal and peppered with laughs haha.. oh yes rf and some others were helping the whole grp polish our guitars..
by the time we finished (well we didnt really finish writing for everyone) it was getting late.. settled down.. mr koh wanted ppl to go to the mic to address everyone.. just when i muttered that i'll definitely have to go up and say something, i got called.. come to think of it, its the first time i've ever addressed this whole grp of ppl to try to encourage them.. words just came out.. seriously i didnt really plan wad i said.. i guess it was just everything i truly felt within..
we've really really come a long way.. i rmbr myself giving up hope on the grp.. coz our playing was really shitty.. even up till just a few mths ago.. it was quite a dread to go for practices because the playing was just so mechanical.. and i didnt really make it a point to talk to the ppl there.. frankly speaking practice was boring.. but recently, we all worked hard like no one's business, hurt our fingers, played like hell, pracitise smiling and swaying to the beat.. everything we went through pulled us together as one.. something within us changed.. i began to learn the names of ppl.. interact with them.. laugh with them.. but we all knew when we had to get to serious work.. i began to find the spirit of ny choir in this guitar grp.. which i once thought i'd never feel again in here..
after i finished saying wad i wanted to say, other ppl went to talk too.. it just felt like so ny choir.. haha.. den ky suggested doing a cheer.. we didnt know wad to cheer coz we dun haf anything like a guitar cheer or wad.. so in the end shiwei led the 3 cheers for guitar, and squirrel led the guitar oei cheer.. we actually cheered. not half-heartedly but out loud. they were just simple cheers but guess wad.. i was touched.. haha.. oh well maybe i was just getting too emotional haha.. but its a feeling of total hopelessness to a sense of confidence of my fellow ppl in the grp..
18 hours more. and we'll be on stage in SCH. not the first time im standing there in front of the audience, but the first time with a different group of people and emotions. syf for the 1st time in SCH.
but like wad mr koh said, God who loves me perfectly is watching me play.. what fear should i have?

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, April 26, 2005
withers away @ 11:01 pm

today's prac went on pretty well.. quite a no of teachers listened to us playing in the atrium.. even mrs cheng.. i hope we'll be all hanging our heads up high with pride at the ps on friday, with ky saying "presenting to u, njc guitar club, gold.." well the scene's been playing in my mind quite a lot of times..
we really worked v hard.. like wad ms ng said, we deserve it coz we really worked for it.. but i guess sometimes results dun correspond to the effort put in.. haha.. oh wells.. we're playing as though we dun give a shit abt the pain of our fingertips.. joyce said that its ok if we let our fingertips die of pressing the fretboard too hard since we're right handed.. haha.. hmm den wad will happen to those left handed? oops.. haha...
im not really freaking out.. at least not on the outside i guess.. hope i wun freak out tml.. maybe i will, but not show it to the grp.. haha..
we can make it.. we just need to perform our best on stage.. that's all we need.. that bit of mental strength..

It's something Mystical

Monday, April 25, 2005
withers away @ 2:52 pm

havent been blogging coz i know all im going to blog abt is everything i feel inside abt syf.. 3 days left only lah!!!! im scared.. haha.. no lah.. angklung having it today.. in abt an hr's time.. hope to hear good news frm them:)
having full dress rehearsal later.. hope everything goes well.. but we still got some stuff unsettled ba.. got lots of qns to ask ky.. haha.. bleahz..
bu shi lai de tai kuai
jiu shi lai de tai chi
mei li de cuo wu wang wang zui jie jin shi shi
jin guan hun mi you shi meng xing you shi bu jian chi
ren sheng zui da de kuai le ye bu guo ru shi
suo wei zui sheng meng si
da gai jiu shi zhe ge yi si
mei cuo by faye

It's something Mystical

Friday, April 22, 2005
withers away @ 12:17 am

my com's screwing up like hell.. its hanging every time i get online.. i better backup my stuff.. just in case..
today's been a crazy day coz i was saying a lot of stupid stuff.. couldnt really think coz i was damn tired.. laughed really alot alot.. haha..
a week left.. wad more can i say? i just hope we can recover and not have more casualties.. going to a battle with injured soldiers is quite ridiculous.. and its a tough battle.. once and for all.. im comforted to see so many ppl trying so hard and i really hope it pays off.. but first, i still think we need to recover.. ppl we must really jia you! :)
grasp something beyond your reach
comprehend something beyond your scope
is this trying to be good
or just being plain stupid

It's something Mystical

Monday, April 18, 2005
withers away @ 12:37 am

omg its so fast.. syf is only 11 days away.. thanks to ky who got the schedule of the remaining pracs out.. at least feel more at ease.. though there are still loose ends to tie.. hoho
well seriously im quite surprised at rf.. he actually emailed me the synopsis of the song.. both me and ky didnt think that he'll do it, but i still msged him anyway.. he actually did send me nyo.. haha im really surprised.. muz rmbr to thank him haha..
miracles may not exist
but if u believe in them
doesnt it make life more hopeful

It's something Mystical

Saturday, April 16, 2005
withers away @ 12:06 am

was actually quite in a bad mood today due to some reason.. but the day ended good! well prac today was tiring.. the uncle was chasing us out of the classrooms.. heard angklung play.. it was so nice!! alot of us wanted to dance to the beat haha.. so we came out, got on 174 without really knowing where we were going to eat dinner.. in the end settled for some indian fast food outlet.. forgot wad its called..
seriously i didnt think it'll be that fun at first, but we really enjoyed it alot man! on the trip there we were laughing throughout.. haha.. abt everything.. learnt abit of vietnamese too! haha.. but forgot everything liaoz.. but nvm bea u still rmbr the action dun u? haha.. do it to el! haha.. den during the meal we laughed even more coz of stupid conversations haha.. it wasnt quiet on the trip home either.. we just had so much to say haha.. and laugh abt that is.. laugh until i damn tired.. i think everyone going mad liao.. after today's prac.. everyone v tired.. haha..
we must do this more often!! its fun! and we should pass this on to the juniors too.. i really see hope now.. though our tempo still quite messed up.. with practice i guess we can overcome it.. we're all working hard.. till fingertips hurts until numb.. skin coming off already.. haha.. jia you!!
oh yah pw results released today! got 2.. i want pw outing!! we gotta find time to go out sia.. but this gotta wait till my syf is over, maria's syf over, barney's comp over.. jia you everyone!!:)
oh yah read an article in time mag today.. or rather juz looked at the pix.. and realized bush's dog is called barney.. dotz.. hahaha..

It's something Mystical

Thursday, April 14, 2005
withers away @ 11:49 pm

nth really happened today.. was just talking to mang juin and xiu abt syf.. bleah i do hopewe can at least go down to SCH to see how its like.. hope we can settle a lot of the nitty gritty stuff tml too.. stuff like attire.. bleah there's only 2 wks left to syf.. gotta pia.. well i guess we already are.. haha..
wonder how many ppl would turn up for guitar grp dinner tml.. ytd's one got cancelled at the last minute.. bleah..
tml's going to be a looooooooooong day.. haha..
yao yong xiang xia tian de wei xiao
yin cang hao xin qing you duo zao
bu zuo ni chen zhong de bei bao
dang zuo xiang zhi yi chang de hui bao
wo yong xiang xia tian de wei xiao
gu li xiang dong tian de xin tiao
yong qi he zhen ai hui yu dao
sui ran xing fu ai gen ren duo mao mao
xia tian de wei xiao by s.h.e.

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, April 12, 2005
withers away @ 11:06 pm

mrs che is such a nice warm and motherly teacher.. the way she comforted us.. oh wells.. must not let her down again.. she says i haf high expectations of myself and i agree, which is why i fell doubly hard.. but i also think she has high expectations of me too.. maybe not high but yah certain level of expectation.. i must jia you:) all of us should too! jia you everyone!
really really hope we pull through syf with a gold.. frankly i never did feel that we were anywhere near there last yr.. even up till early this yr.. then, syf to me was just something we had to go for.. the desire to win and perform during syf while i was in ny died in me when i went into guitar in nj.. but hoho now i really think we haf the potential and i really wanna see the whole grp unite and go for it.. the thought of being on stage again (and for the first time in the first row somemore, since height doesnt matter anymore now haha) keeps me in suspense.. haha.. wad a weird word i used.. strangely enough i miss the stage.. the stage presence.. the confidence.. the anticipation.. haha.. really really hope we can make it.. must jia you too!:)
wanted to blog abt wad happened ytd but nvm.. it was a bad day.. afternoon rather.. so shant bother to blog abt smth lidat..
moving on...

It's something Mystical

Saturday, April 09, 2005
withers away @ 12:14 am

from wad pd quoted during the cognitive behaviour therapy: a thought reaps an action, an action reaps a habit, a habit reaps a character and a character reaps a destiny.

It's something Mystical

Friday, April 08, 2005
withers away @ 10:54 pm

today started off with me being touchy and stuff.. for no reason.. well wadeva..
but the pt is it ended well.. didnt get to practice during prac time at all.. had exco meeting + guitar 1 meeting.. for the entire prac.. sorta.. well thrashed things out.. not alot but its a good start.. well i think mr koh rox.. well i suppose i like inspirational teachers.. even when ppl dun really deserve it, its a display of strength to take the initiative to talk to them or even eat the humble pie.. that's when u break through them.. coz u're never going to get anything done if u go the hard way..
hmmmm we still got a lot to work on.. communication is really impt.. n considering that the exco is going to hand over prob in may, we dun really haf a lot of time to settle the stuff.. but still.. learning pt! haha..
talked to keeka at the bus stop and realized that we didnt really implement our ideas since last yr.. reflection.. wad the guitar 1s said abt us is true to a certain extent.. hmm..
and now we're all sourcing out possibilites to help us improve.. gold with honours? i dunno how far away are we.. but we'll still go all the way.. and we gotta find some way to motivate our ppl..
i should start to be thankful for a glass half full of water instead of lamenting abt the half glass of water i lost.. u lose some, u gain some..

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 2:38 pm

HAPPY BDAE CYN! hoho.. we'll go out on mon.. hopefully nothing crops up haha..
oh yes.. ny choir got gold with honours!!! omg im so proud of my juniors!! hahaz.. ms lim must be damn happy lahz.. :D
oh yeah talking abt syf.. the dance grps are like all getting gold with honours.. we are just so damn pressurized to get gold lahz.. i wonder wad'll happen if we dun get a gold.. argh.. i hate to think of that.. we're all under lots of pressure..
rang wo men bao chi wei xiao
gei ji mo de ren yi xie yi kao
wo men yao bao chi wei xiao
gei gu dan de ren yi zhong xin qing de yong bao
bao chi wei xiao by s.h.e.

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, April 05, 2005
withers away @ 2:29 pm

in btyz again.. after a long long time.. waiting for lunch..
really wanna thank u guys.. thanks for the faith u all had in me.. thanks for the help.. thanks for the verse dear.. im in the recovery stage liao haha.. well i guess im not someone who will stay in the depression stage in terms of results.. coz to me, though results are impt, they aren't everything.. and in wadeva i go through, i know He is here with me and He will make everything wrong right again..
wo ai feng le
wo feng dao zi ji tong ye bu xiao de
fang qi le bao hu zi ji de ze ren
fang qi le di kang cui ruo de tian fen
ai feng le by penny

It's something Mystical

Saturday, April 02, 2005
withers away @ 10:26 pm

blogger ate up my entry that was supposed to be up 2 days ago!! argh..
alot happened.. shant bother to elaborate.. results so far sux.. i believe its gonna suck somemore.. based on the cognitive behaviour therapy thingy we went for today im not supposed to talk like this but.. hiya who cares haha.. shall bother abt my negative thoughts later.. seriously thinking abt some stuff now.. i wonder wad He is trying to tell me.. nvm i'll noe in due time.. its always the case..
another depression in the business cycle.. i wonder when will the recovery stage come.. hopefully next wk.. well it'll have to wait till stuff are more settled..
oh yes before i forget.. lao gong happy bdae!!! hohohoho.. hey hey no need to ask me for alcohol liao lah.. go get urself haha.. dun forget to share wif me haha..
this coming wk is going to be packed.. hiya actually everyday.. teachers r getting stressed.. so r we.. syf coming.. blah blah.. be thankful i can still laugh.. haha..
there's still time.. shall work looking at the moment because its going to pass soon and the future will come.. juz gotta work my emotions out properly during this time.. n relieve stress in a proper n less violent manner..
and i wanna believe you
when you tell me that it'll be ok
ya i try to believe you,
but i don't

when you say that it's gonna be
it always turns out to be a different way
i try to believe you
not today, today, today, today, today...

i don't know how i'll feel

tomorrow, tomorrow
i don't know what to say
tomorrow, tomorrow
is a different day
it's always been up to you

it's turning around, it's up to me
i'm gonna do what i have to do
just don't
tomorrow by avril lavigne

It's something Mystical